Cold Feet and Countdowns

T-23 days

“I'm so excited for you!” “What an exciting opportunity this will be!” “You must be so excited!” “How exciting!”

Notice a theme there? When I tell people I'll be living in Ecuador for three months and working with wildlife, their response usually involves the word “exciting.” Sometimes “amazing” or “wonderful” comes up. When I was first accepted into the IE3 internship program I found excuses to bring it up in conversation, but after a few dozen repetitions of “exciting!” I stopped.

Now I find excuses not to mention it at all. I'm a bad liar, and when people tell me “You'll have so much fun!” all I can say is, “Um, yeah, I sure hope so.” I can't tell them “Yes, I will!” because inside I'm dreading the moment that plane takes off from the Seattle airport with me inside.

I am a terrible traveler. I've only been out of the country twice—both times to Canada. I've only been on a plane once. My Spanish is atrocious. I'm bad at interpreting accents and that amusing sign language you use when two people don't understand each other.

On most nights, as I'm falling asleep, I will suddenly remember, with a jolt of fear, that I will soon be leaving. This is not the mild fear experienced by college students before an exam or by job-seekers on their way to an interview. This is the heart-pounding, stomach-twisting fear felt by sufferers of stage fright as they stand paralyzed in front of an audience of hundreds, or by that guy from Marathon Man when he has to have a cavity filled. I lie in bed, thinking, 25 days... 24 days... 23 days.... and pray this is all some kind of bad joke.

At this point you may be wondering why I applied for the program in the first place. Nobody forced me. True, I need to complete an internship to graduate, but I could find one closer to home. The fact is, six months ago this seemed like a great idea. Six months ago, I all I could think was, “What an exciting opportunity this will be! I'll have so much fun!”

If I could go back in time I would punch my six-months-younger self in the face.

But cold feet is not the same as cancellation. The Wheel of Fortune showed up in one of my readings: something has been set in motion over which I now have little control. Who am I to deny fate? The Wheel of Fortune denotes change, the start of a new cycle, and that is something I could use in my life. Cancelling, dropping out, and running away have always been my modus operandi. Class too hard? Drop it. Project too much work? Give up. Relationship too serious? Dump him.

But that's not going to happen this time. This time is a time of change, the beginning of a new and better cycle. I will not drop out, give up, or quit. I will go to Ecuador and I will have so much fun.

How exciting!